Steal Your Pain
by espergirl04
Summary: RayNeela. There were so many things that she could have done differently...then she wouldn’t feel like this...she wouldn’t have single handedly destroyed her own life. Can Ray pick up the pieces? COMPLETED!
1. Chapter 1

Yet another fic, this one is way more angsty and serious compared to my others.

Disclaimer: Don't own ER, none of it, none at all…so there :-)

* * *

_I wanted you to know  
That I love the way you laugh  
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain_

_(Broken by: Seether)_

Prologue

I can feel myself falling into an ever deepening spiral and find that I'm unable to pull myself out of it. I've destroyed my world, shattered it would probably be more appropriate. Trying to fix it is useless as I only manage to cut myself on the shards, furthering my pain. No one can help me recreate my life now that it lies in pieces. Every day seems like torture…and I made it that way…I deserve it. Maybe in time he'll understand, realize that I pushed him away to save him…save him from being dragged down with me.

He tried to help, picking up some of my broken life, trying to fit it back together. I wouldn't let him, shoved him away to tell the truth. Others tried to help as well, but they gave up eventually, realizing I was a lost cause. It's like a patient who wants to die…it doesn't matter what you do to try to save them…in the end you know you have to let them go. They all knew that…but he refused to believe it…which is why when he walked in tonight I smashed the last whole piece of my life…three simple words to him…_I'm moving out_. It was the hardest thing that I've ever done; the look on his face nearly killed me.

Funny really, how you can start out hating someone and then realize you love them. I don't think he ever knew how I truly felt, sure, he knew that I cared about him…we became close…teasing each other and such. I never thought that he liked me that way, never thought that he would, I didn't seem like his type and I suppose in a way I didn't want to be. We were just always there for each other, we started doing things together. We'd go shopping together, go out to eat, I'd even watch a few of his gigs…but I never realized how much he liked me…and then it came.

He had been fuming at me because I accidentally took a chunk of paint out of his guitar…who knew guys could get so attached to those things. Apparently he was a bit obsessive about it considering he yelled at me to get out, so I did…and when I finally came back he apologized…and then he kissed me. That's when I finally admitted to myself that I was falling in love with my roommate…that's why I wrote the letter…I didn't know that I'd come to regret it.

He'll understand one day…


	2. Let Go

The first real chapter…dun dun dunnnn…

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"Are you sure you know what you're doing?" 

"Yes Mrs…" she checked the chart, "Nelson."

"You're sure you're a real doctor? You look a bit young," her voice was cranky and hoarse, no doubt from a lifetime of cigarettes.

"Just relax," her tone was soothing but in reality she wanted nothing more than to run down the hall screaming. Every patient she had seen today asked her the exact same thing…quite tiring really.

"You know…you look like you could use a doctor yourself," the woman had dropped her spite and taken on a grandmotherly tone…a cranky grandmother but a grandmother none the less.

This took Neela by surprise; she had thought that she looked quite well today, or at least better. She had even brushed her hair; make-up however, was another story. Self consciously she tugged at the bottom of her shirt, straightening it. There was nothing wrong with her, she looked fine in her opinion…she felt fine…she was fine.

Thankful when her break finally came round she nearly sprinted to the lounge but immediately turned back as soon as she had opened the door. "Neela?" His voice was concerned. After all she had put him through his voice was still bloody concerned.

Without acknowledging him she continued walking, her heart ripping itself apart as she went.

Ray stood confused not to mention angry. What the hell was wrong with her? It had been nearly a month since she had moved out and at least three since the news of Michael's death had reached her. It was clear she wasn't well. For one thing, she hardly spoke to anyone. Abby had been able to get a few sentences out of her, Sam a couple of words, Pratt a nod, him…nothing. The other thing that had everyone worried was the fact it looked like she hadn't eaten anything in weeks. Her once healthy appearance was gone, now she was looking increasingly like an anorexic patient he had treated a few days ago.

"Abby?" he called out to her as she walked by.

"I'm busy at the moment," she responded without even sparing him a glance.

He plowed on, "Has Neela been eating at all?"

"I make sure that she has something…even when I have to use force," sighing she put down her chart.

He knew what she meant…

_"Hey." Neela didn't respond but kept her head on the table. "Have you had dinner yet?" A slight shake of her head, at least she had actually acknowledged him in some way. "Do you want me to make you something?" Another shake. "Oh come on, my cooking isn't that bad…" Nothing._

_Using his superior cooking skills he had managed to make her a bowl of soup, setting it in front of her. She didn't move and he stood frustrated, "Neela, look…you need to eat something. Starving yourself isn't going to make him come back and it sure as hell isn't going to make the pain go away."_

_"I'm not starving myself…" she mumbled._

_"Then eat, I'm not leaving until you do and I have a gig in about an hour."_

_"I'm not hungry and I know you won't miss your stupid gig," her empty eyes found his, "You should probably be getting ready."_

_His fist slammed down on the table, taking both of them by surprise but he didn't stop. "You're more important than my 'stupid gig.' I'm not going to watch you starve yourself to death and I'm not leaving until you eat something!" Calmly he sat down across from her._

_"I'm not hungry! Why can't you understand that!"_

_"I don't give a damn whether you're hungry or not, but you need to eat something Neela!" Perhaps yelling at her wasn't the best way to go about things but nothing else seemed to be getting through her head._

_Pushing back her chair she stood up grabbing the bowl, flinging it at him. Ducking he winced as he heard it shatter, soup everywhere. Neela was shaking uncontrollably but not from anger, she looked around in astonishment. "I…I…" tears started to run down her hollow cheeks and she turned, fleeing to her room, slamming the door._

_Needless to say he had missed his gig and after two hours of coaxing and tears had managed to get her to eat something._

"You know Ray; I really think you need to talk to her. There's something else bothering her, not just…not just Michael. She's strong enough to have gotten over that…but something won't let her."

"She won't talk to me, let alone come near me."

"If someone doesn't find out what's really bothering her soon…" Abby trailed off, not able to bear the thought of Neela becoming worse than she already was.

"I want to help her," he said softly.

"I know you do, we all do, but I think you're the only one who can."

The rest of her day passed in a dizzy blur, people shouting orders at her, bloodied patients, hysterical children. It was all a definite change from her slow day earlier and a welcomed one at that. It allowed her to become detached from reality, flying into her work with a passion. Working was her escape.

When her shift was over she didn't want to go home, not yet, she didn't want to go back to the realities of her own life. She would rather watch the pain of others than feel her own…what had happened to her? If only she hadn't written that stupid letter when she did…if only it had never reached him…there were so many things that she could have done differently …then she wouldn't feel like this…she wouldn't have single handedly destroyed her own life.

That night sleep came swiftly to her, it always did. One would think that she wouldn't have been able to sleep at all, but she welcomed it, sleep meant she didn't have to think…and in a way she wished that she could sleep forever. But that wouldn't do now, would it.

The next day passed much as the day before had…and the day before…and the day before. Avoiding people…especially Ray. It was hard, it was very hard, that was why she couldn't talk to him, she knew if she did than she would give in and she couldn't. She wanted more than anything to run to him, tell him everything, and for him to hold her and tell her it wasn't her fault. But she couldn't, she wouldn't let herself…she deserved this…didn't she?

This wasn't exactly how she had planned for things to go, for her life to turn out. This wasn't what she wanted. She hated it…hated everything about it…hated what she had done…hated what she had caused…hated the many people she had hurt…hated the fact that she was the cause of her own pain. She had never hated anything before, not really, not until now. Most of all, she hated the fact that everyone kept asking her if she was feeling well when she was perfectly fine.

"Hey Neela, feeling okay?" Pratt was standing in front of her blocking her path.

"I would be if you got out of my way…" she mumbled under her breath. Plastering a fake smile on her face she looked up at him, "Just excellent." Before he could say more she skirted around him.

"You sure?"

This time she didn't even bothering calling out a response, she just nodded.

He found her leaning up against a wall, just standing there as if she would collapse if the wall wasn't supporting her. It scared the hell out of him seeing her like this. "Hey," he watched her closely. Her eyes flicked towards him but she didn't make her normal effort to bolt. That was a good start. "Listen…" how was he going to bring this up without her biting his head off? "I know that uh…you've been avoiding me so I'm assuming you really don't want to talk to me…but you know that if something's bothering you I'm always here to help."

"Nothing's bothering me," she snapped.

"Neela, there's something wrong with you and I think you need to face it."

"What is wrong with everyone around here, I'm perfectly fine!" she stood unsteadily and he grabbed her arm.

"Perfectly fine?" he smirked at her grimly, "Yeah, you look really great Neela."

"Let go," she tried to yank her arm away but he had tightened his grip.

"Make me."

Glaring at him she tried to pull free but he grabbed her other arm. "Ray, let go!"

"Go on, make me," a frown had formed on his face.

She attempted to push him away but it didn't work, she could barely move with him holding her like that. "Get off of me!" Struggling she tried to wrench an arm free but found that she couldn't couldn't. Tears had begun to form and she blinked them back. Suddenly he let go and she stumbled backwards. He reached out to help her and her attempt to brush him away failed as he caught her gently.

He was looking at her she knew, but her eyes remained focused on the floor. "Neela…" his voice was soft and for a moment she wanted to allow him in but she hardened herself again.

"Bloody hell Ray, just leave me alone!"

"Look at me," he commanded but she ignored him. He reached out and turned her face towards his.

His mouth was fixed in a worried frown and his eyes were searching hers. This was what she was afraid of, the searching…but she wouldn't give in. "Before if I had grabbed you like that you would have kicked my ass, look at you now..." He sighed, "You couldn't even pull away…"

"If I had really wanted to I could," she muttered sulkily.

"Really? For some reason I highly doubt that."

"Just leave me alone! All I want is for people to leave me alone. I have to get back to work," she yanked herself away from him and this time he let her. If he had made any impression on her at all she didn't show it.

The fact that she honestly couldn't tell that anything was wrong with her was going to be a problem. He needed to get her to see that she was falling apart, bring her back to reality. His hold on her hadn't even been that strong, a five year old could have gotten away but to her they had been vice-like. Before he had let her avoid him but it was time for him to change that.

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Eh…chapter's shorter than I wanted it to be but that's ok. I already have the next chapter planed out so hopefully I'll be able to update soon, let me know what you think. Purple/blue button calls to you, press it I say, press it and review…you can not resist, mwaha—er…yeah :D 


	3. Don't Leave

So it took me a little longer to update than I thought, had some uhh…things to deal with. Let me just say never lie…even if you're lying to spare peoples feelings…because they find out…and then everything really sucks. Those are my words of wisdom for the day.

Disclaimer: Don't own ER, or the characters, or anything that has to do with it…mwahaha

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Part one of his plan was falling perfectly into place, although the truth of the matter was the plan only had one part: Get Neela to talk to him… preferably without the yelling.

Casually he slid up next to her, "Shift over?"

"Yes, now I won't have to put up with your abuse," she snarled, quickening her pace. He was beginning to remind her of a cute yet unwanted puppy. If he were a puppy she would have scooped him up immediately…but he wasn't and this little puppy was about to get a kick in the face.

"You know you liked it," definitely the wrong thing to say, it had slipped without him even realizing it.

She had stopped walking; it seemed like part one wasn't falling as perfectly as he had hoped…in fact it seemed to be crashing. Her dark eyes flashed dangerously, "Ray, leave me alone before I'm forced to inflict physical damage."

"You wouldn't," he said with a look of mock horror.

"Oh, I would," a hint of a grin could be seen and she tried to maintain a straight face. She couldn't do this. "And I will if you don't leave me alone," she strode out the door and left him standing, watching her arms wrap themselves around her small frame to warm herself against the wind. He wanted to catch up to her and put his own arm around her to keep her warm…but he had a feeling that their conversation, however short it had been, was enough for one day. At least it was progress.

* * *

"Neela!"

_She was so tired; couldn't she just let her sleep? Every waking moment was so painful…_

"NEELA!"

_Why was she yelling? _

"You're going to be late if you don't get up!"

Stumbling out of bed Neela looked around to find Abby watching her with concern.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, be ready in a moment," her voice was thick with sleep. It was becoming increasingly harder for her to get out of bed in the morning. Recently she had found that she couldn't seem to ever wake up completely, there was always a sense of lightheadedness…but she was sure it was nothing to worry about.

Pulling on her jeans she barely registered the fact that they now hung loosely on her hips when once they had fit her snugly; her shirt almost looked a size to big. Rushing out the door she didn't pause for breakfast, she was nearly late as it was; besides…she wasn't hungry anyways.

Relief washed over her when she didn't see Ray, he had mentioned something about it being his day off but for her to call him if she wanted to talk. She honestly couldn't understand why he was trying so hard, everyone but Ray could see she didn't want to talk.

For a moment she was afraid that the day would be another slow one and she would have to agonize over her thoughts some more, luckily her fears were quickly pushed aside.

"Neela!" Pratt called for her and she came running as a gurney was brought in from the ambulance bay.

"What do you have?"

"Twenty four year old male, stabbing victim, girlfriend found him this morning."

"Stats?"

Neela tried to pay attention to all of it but found herself having to concentrate more on keeping herself upright. A sudden wave of dizziness hit her and she tried focusing on the patients face. Bad choice, it was battered and a smear of blood ran across his cheekbone. Normally this sort of thing wouldn't bother her but nausea combined itself with the whirling room.

"All right, we're going to need…Neela?"

Her head was spinning but she forced herself to look up, "Sorry, what was that?"

Everyone was staring at her; Pratt looked like he was debating whether he was concerned or angry, "If you don't feel well, get out."

"I'm fine now, sorry," she steadied herself and for a moment the spinning seemed to stop.

"Out Neela, you could—"

Whatever he was about to say was lost to her as she fought against a second wave of dizziness. The room was spinning around her and she clung to consciousness, trying her hardest to keep from passing out. Voices were calling out to her and she felt someone moving closer. As her vision blurred she realized that she was losing her fight…she was fine…there was nothing wrong with her…there was…darkness.

* * *

Something was ringing…maybe it was his head; last night certainly was a mistake. Had Neela still been living with him he was sure that he would have come back to an extremely long lecture…although Neela was the reason he had gone out in the first place. Why did she have to be so…so…unforgettable? Every time he told himself to forget about her all he could see was her face in his mind.

The ringing had stopped but now something was buzzing…groaning he sat up and reached for his cell phone. "Hello?" he couldn't help the irritation in his voice; he couldn't believe someone was calling him this early on his day off.

"Ray? You should probably come down here."

It was Abby, why was she calling him? "What? Do you have any idea how early it is?"

"It's not that early and I'm telling you…get down here now," her voice sounded funny…kind of strained.

Suddenly her words took full affect, Neela…something had happened to her, he knew it. "What happened? Is she okay?" he had bolted out of bed and was grabbing the nearest shirt he could find. In an amazing feat he managed to get it on while still holding the phone, "Tell me what happened!"

"She passed out, calm down, she'll be fine. I just think you should be there for her."

He still had on his jeans from the night before and he didn't bother to change. "Be there in a minute," he hung up and sprinted out the door. Something had told him that this was bound to happen; it was only a matter of time before she broke down. He needed to be there for her, he needed to help her. Even if she didn't want it.

"Where—" he skidded to a halt in front of Abby who was waiting for him.

"Exam room four," before she could say anything else Ray was already down the hall.

* * *

It took a few tries for Neela to realize where she was…and a few more tries to realize why she was there…tears pricked her eyes, great…this would be the second time in two days that she had almost cried. It was just the fact that she had let something like that happen, she had passed out…it had to have been from the blood…but of course it wasn't. She couldn't lie to herself about that. Had she been lying to herself all this time, like Ray and the others said? No…of course not…why should she? Michael…her letter…his letter…his letter following hers…phone call…death…confusion…guilt…everything…her fault…

Closing her eyes once more she finally opened her mind a tiny bit, and didn't like what she was seeing, not at all. Maybe she could sleep some more, than she wouldn't have to think about it. No one could complain about that, they were always telling her she should rest; besides…she still felt a little out of it. Almost ready to shut herself away from the outside world, the sounds of someone bursting through the door drug her back to reality. Cracking her eyes she immediately shut them again, her foggy mind not wanting to deal with anything else.

His hand found hers and she resisted the strong urge to pull away. "Neela…" there was something in his voice…it sounded…sad. She didn't want him to be sad, she didn't want anyone to be sad, but he was and they were and it was her fault. He kept trying to painstakingly pull her back together no matter how hard she resisted. He was more than she deserved, much more.

Originally she had thought that he was a cocky and arrogant with little respect for anything besides music, why he was working there was completely lost on her. However, her opinion had changed…sure, at times he wasn't exactly the most compassionate doctor around…and he did have a habit of discharging patients rather quickly, well, that was an understatement. The point was, she had come to realize that her first impression of him had been wrong…and the more she knew of the real Ray…the more she liked him…and the more she liked him the more she wanted to get away before it was to late…and then it was to late…that's when things had gotten complicated for her…

"I wish you could tell me…instead of carrying it around…and letting this happen. I don't want to see you like this, this isn't you…you're strong, I know you are…" he knew she was unconscious but he couldn't help talking to her anyways…even if she wasn't listening it still helped him. Maybe it was easier without her actually listening; if she was awake this most definitely was not how he would talk to her…he wasn't exactly good with expressing things like this. "I don't buy the reason for why they say you passed out, said it was exhaustion," he mumbled.

Lying there she looked so helpless and childlike, especially because of her weight loss. Her bones were especially prominent and he rubbed his face tiredly, they'd have to treat her soon for an eating disorder if she didn't change after this. If she woke up at all, he had a sneaking suspicion that she was trying to lose herself…

"C'mon Neela, do you know how hard this is on me? I come home to an empty apartment everyday, a messy empty apartment…and then I just sit there on the couch…or in your old room…waiting for you to come through the door and yell at me because of some stupid thing I've done…I just…I don't understand…" without being able to stop it his voice broke. It was frustrating, he was trying so hard to help her but nothing seemed to work…he didn't want her to slip away like this…to give up…to block herself. He wanted his Neela back...wait…_his_?

Through her clouded mind she heard his voice breaking and for a moment she wanted to say something to him…to comfort him. The bed creaked and lowered slightly and she dimly registered the fact that he had sat down. Then strong arms were lifting her and she felt him pull her into his lap, cradling her.

Holding her close to him he gently stroked back her hair, then rested his chin softly on the top of her head. The last time he had held her had been after she had heard that Gallant had died. Pratt had received the phone call and had then passed the news on to her. Ray could still remember that day; it had been the day something in Neela had broken.

_She wasn't in the apartment, she wasn't answering her cell phone, she wasn't anywhere. Ray cursed, pulling his jacket tighter around him as he jogged down the sidewalk, where the hell was she? It was cold, it was raining, and it was dark…and he was worried. It didn't take him long to find her, she was a dark lump sitting on the edge of the sidewalk. Her feet planted on the road, head down on her knees, face buried in her arms. Just sitting there. Cautiously he sat down next to her, gauging her reaction. Nothing. He waited, knowing that when she was ready she would talk…he was right._

_"Ray?" she managed to choke out._

_"Yeah?"_

_Without bothering to look up she continued to speak, her voice muffled. "It can't be true…it just…can't…"_

_He was silent; he didn't know what to say and even if he did he didn't think she would hear him._

_"I suppose…I suppose I was expecting it…it's a war after all…people…they…they…die…but…I didn't think it would actually happen…and…it's my fault…"_

_"It isn't your fault Neela…like you said…there's a war going on…"_

_She looked up at him, tears mingling with the rain, "I…I…" for some reason she couldn't go on, sobs wracking her body. Without thinking her reached over and pulled her to him. _

_They sat there for a long while, cold rain beating down on them but neither of them moved. _

He had gotten her back to the apartment and sent her off to take a warm shower as he changed into dry clothes. Then they had sat on the couch and she had simply sat there, the next morning she didn't speak to him, the next day she wouldn't even look at him, pretty soon she was avoiding him, and then she had moved out.

His arms were so comforting; she wanted to lay there forever. Then she felt him shifting to put her back down, "No," she murmured without thinking.

"Neela?"

"Don't leave me…" she whispered.

* * *

Hmm, not as exciting as I had hoped and I didn't include all I wanted…now you have to wait, mwahaha :-)

Pweeze review, they make me happy!


	4. Breaking the Surface

All righty, finally getting this next chapter out, go me. The way this chapter is written may seem a little confusing and choppy, I was trying to convey Neela's mixed up mind but I'm not sure how well that came through.

Disclaimer: Don't own ER or anything about it…that definitely would not be me.

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_"Don't leave me…" _She was aware that she said it, but somehow it seemed disconnected…as if it weren't really her. Ray was saying something, but she couldn't understand it…she didn't want to…not right now.

The surface was so close, she could sense it, just a little more and she would break it and then it was back to the real world. No, she wasn't ready to go back. It felt as if she was floating, suspended, no worries…she liked it. In fact…she could stay there forever, why shouldn't she? It was easier this way…so much easier. Once she broke the surface she would be back gasping for breath amidst the fragments of her life. This was better; she liked it where she was.

Warm arms were surrounding her, holding her, keeping her there. As long as they remained she knew it was okay…that she could stay in this place…because eventually he would be there to draw her back when she was ready.

_What if he leaves you too?_

Of course he wouldn't…

_Michael left…_

Yes, he had left…but her feelings about him had been so…confusing…

_He's gone forever…and it's your fault…_

She hadn't meant it…she hadn't…

_Dear Michael…no…Hi Michael…hmm…no…Michael? Definitely not…Dear Michael…_

Not now…

_Dear Michael,_

_I don't know how to begin this; in fact I'm not quite sure how to say any of this…_

Oh God, why did she have to send it to him then?

_I'm not going to write as I normally do and pretend that everything is as it were before, no matter how much I wish it were so. The truth is Michael, I believed that I…_

No…if only she had waited to say it…or told him some other way…

_loved__ you. Admittedly I was confused; I wasn't sure where we stood. As we continued to write back and forth I built up an image of you, a wonderful image of you. I clung to it, hoping and praying that you would come back. I waited for you, pushing others away…_

It was the truth wasn't it? Ray had told her that once…that she was pushing people away…

_The image I had of you was always there, always so close…and I knew you would come back to me. I wasn't sure what exactly would happen, but I knew that I had to wait for you. Then you did come back…_

What had she done? Why had she done it? Surely she had loved him?

_and__ we had a wonderful time together. Everything that I had dreamed of became tangible; the thing was…I realized that I had built you up in my mind. Please, don't take it the wrong way. You're a great man, you truly are, and I thought that I loved you._

In her mind she had…and her heart had followed blindly…

_Only, what I loved wasn't really you. I loved the man in the letters, what I had made him to be…if that makes any sense at all. After you left, something made me realize that while I care for you I can't love you Michael, because in truth, I love someone else. I'm sorry, truly I am. You have to understand, I need someone real and I found him without even meaning too. _

Ray…

_It wouldn't be fair to either of you if I kept writing letters to you without letting you know the truth. So there it is, as I said before…I still care for you…I hope you understand._

_Yours truly?__ No…sincerely? Maybe…why not…she was sincere wasn't she?_

_Sincerely,_

_Neela_

All right, she wanted to wake up now…but that wouldn't make it go away. Reliving it yet again hadn't been so bad; her letter had been thoughtful enough. She had tried to make it as painless as possible. It had been his turn to write her though; if she had waited a few more days she could have written a different letter…one that would have explained it in a completely different manner. If she had waited though…would she really have written something like that at all? Or would she have kept on pretending?

_Maybe it was a good thing…it was the right thing…wasn't it?_

But it hurt him…he died…

_Was that really your fault?_

His letter…

_If he really loved you…wouldn't he want you to be happy?_

Yes…no…don't know…

_Not your fault…_

It was…it was…if he hadn't gotten it…

_It wouldn't have changed anything…he still would have died…_

But he would have felt loved…

_The love wouldn't have been real…_

He wouldn't have known…he would have been comforted…

_You would have known…and what about the person you really love?_

It wouldn't have mattered if I had known…

_You wouldn't be free to love Ray…_

Ray…I'm not free to love him now…

_You could be…_

Michael…

_Is dead…_

My fault…

_No…_

No…

It wasn't her fault…it wasn't. There was someone there who loved her now, who was hurting now, and she could change that. She couldn't change the fact that Michael had died, couldn't change the fact that she had written the letter, but she could change her sadness, she could change Ray's sadness and hurt that she had caused, she could fix it…with Ray's help she could fix it.

Her life had been ruined by her own hands, she had thought it was impossible to put back together. It wasn't, it could be repaired if that was what she wanted and she did want it. She wanted her life back. The pain she had caused could be changed; maybe not Michael's but the others. What she had written had been the truth, had been her true feelings…it was simply how it was. If she could change it she would…or maybe she wouldn't…but it had happened none the less.

The time to break the surface had come, she knew it. Wait…

"Ray?" It was a male's voice...Kovac

"What can we do?"

"Nothing, there aren't any treatments. Physically there's nothing wrong with her."

"Mentally she's pretty much broken." _Not anymore._

"That's a whole different story, there's always counseling."

"If she wakes up that is," his grip on her loosened as he began to set her down.

_Don't leave me!_

"I'm convinced that she's trying to…lose herself in a way. You know, run away from it all." _She had been…but she was ready to stop running._

Her muscles didn't seem to want to cooperate, but she couldn't let Ray leave her. If he did she wouldn't be able to escape from where she was. Slowly she managed to reach over to where she could feel Ray's warmth. Her hand shifted along the bed until it bumped into something. He grabbed her hand unconsciously and she squeezed it lightly, his grip tightened and he seemed to tense.

"Neela?"

Slowly her eyes opened, squinting against the light. A tentative smile was forming on his face and she felt the tears running down her own. Once again she was crying, but this time she didn't care…it was time to set things right.

* * *

Why was Neela so upset by Michael's letter? You'll see, -evil laughter-

Please review and let me know what you think!


	5. Whole Again

School has now started so I don't know how often I'll be able to update due to my crazy schedules…ballet plus school plus senior project equals zero free time… :-( In fact I should be working on a letter of intent but I really really wanted to update as I'm in love with my own fic :D

Disclaimer: I don't own ER…or the characters…or anything about it…-sigh-

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Cautiously Neela pulled herself into a sitting position, ignoring Ray's insistent protests that she shouldn't. While she still felt a little dizzy, it was now safe for her to say that she really was fine.

"I want to come home…" her voice was so soft that Ray had to lean in to hear her.

"They couldn't find anything wrong with you so you'll be out soon," he put an arm around her sympathetically and looked at Kovac who nodded in assent.

Neela drew her knees into her chest and started to pick at the edge of the blanket…that hadn't exactly been what she had meant. Noticing her disappointed expression Ray ran her words through his head a second time, "What?"

"I want to come home Ray," this time she managed to say it slightly louder. He stared at her for a moment.

"Come home as in…back to the apartment?" he tried to keep his voice steady, he didn't want to get his hopes up.

"I mean…I know that you probably don't want me too, I'm obviously a wreck and after how I treated you I wouldn't really expect you to want me back and I'd understand it completely if—"

"Yes," this time he didn't bother to conceal his eagerness, "Of course you can come back."

Neither of them noticed Kovac slip out the door, a smile playing on his lips. Neela and Ray…who would have thought?

"There is one condition though," Ray said with a completely serious expression, "you have to wash all the dishes from now on."

"RAY!" she pulled away from him and he laughed.

"Only if you dry, you have to do you're share too Barnett."

It seemed that the old Neela really was making a coming back, "Deal."

Stretching out on the couch Neela smiled happily, the first time in months, all of her things had finally been moved back in. One piece of her life had been put back into place, now it was time to fix the rest of it. She was nervous of course, nervous about showing Ray the letters. Michael may not have wanted someone, especially Ray, reading them…but Michael was gone...and she needed Ray's support.

She heard the door open and for a moment she felt ecstatic, knowing that it was Ray, knowing that she was back where she belonged. "Ray?"

"Something wrong?" he asked immediately, after what had happened he found himself always assuming the worst.

_Maybe…_ "No, I erm…can I show you something?" Now was the time, before she lost the little courage that she had managed to scrape together.

He looked apprehensive and she felt slightly guilty, how much had she put him through? But he nodded and sat down when she motioned for him to. Quickly she made her way into her room and pulled open a desk drawer, rifling through it slightly frantically she finally drew out three folded letters wrapped with a red rubber band. Shuddering involuntarily she slowly walked back to where Ray was waiting. These three letters…the cause of all her misery.

"Here," she shoved them at him offering no explanation. He looked at her thoroughly confused.

"The…the first one I wrote…it was my rough draft…the second two are Michael's…one is before he got my letter…the other is after…" Turning away she bit her lip, she couldn't watch him read them….she didn't want to see his reaction.

The first letter of Michael's she had received a few days after she had sent her own, she knew that hers wouldn't have had time to reach him…she could still remember what it had said…

_Dear Neela,_

_It was hard for me to leave, I didn't want to say good bye to you again. The short time we spent together was…amazing. It made me realize just how much I missed you, but that wasn't the most important thing I realized. I realized that I loved you, I do love you Neela. You're the only thing that keeps me going over here, knowing that I have something to return to. When things get tough I just think of you and I make myself go on. You're always in my mind, and every day it makes me smile knowing that I have someone to love. I know that I'm needed over here but it hurts to know that I'm so far away from you. I promise I'll never leave you Neela. Everyday I face death but everyday I shoot it down, I'm not ready to die. I work on dying men who clutch pictures of their girlfriends, wives, families, and I don't want to end up like them. I don't want to lay there like them knowing that I'll never get to see the one I love again…knowing that I'll cause this pain. For you Neela, I'll keep going. _

_Love,_

_Michael_

Her shaking hand connected with the back of the couch and she steadied herself. Even though he was gone and she knew it wasn't her fault now…she couldn't help but feel overwhelmingly sad. He had been a good man…but she couldn't love him…and she couldn't pretend.

The next letter had been even more heart wrenching…

_Neela,_

_Another man? Another man so soon after I left? I can't believe I confessed my love to you as I did. My world's gone, what I was living for is gone, there's no reason for me to cling so strongly to life. No reason for me to live. This is it Neela…there's no need for us to write each other anymore. Good bye._

_Michael_

After she had read it she knew that he was going to die, she could feel it. Men died in war all the time…but after she had read that it had seemed like it was all her fault. Whether Michael meant it to or not that's how it had made her feel.

The call had come a few weeks after the letter had been sent. Pratt had received it, and immediately found her knowing that she would want the news…not knowing what had happened between herself and Michael.

_"Neela…" his voice was chocked and his eyes blood shot. She knew before he opened his mouth again. "Michael…Michael…he…Michael's dead…"_

From what she could understand, Michael had gone out to try to bring someone back…they had told him not to…it would be suicide…but he had gone anyways…and Neela knew why, the military had deemed it to be an act of heroism, but she knew the truth. Now though, now she knew whatever had happened hadn't been her fault. Michael had made his own decision…and she supposed that if he had truly loved her as he said…he would have respected hers.

"Neela?" Ray had twisted around so he could look at her properly and she looked down at him. His expression was unreadable.

Inside he was angry at what Michael had written, knowing that it made it seem like his death was her fault…but he couldn't be angry at a dead man…well…maybe he could….but not in front of Neela, not when she needed his help. He also found himself angry at whoever Neela was referring to in the first letter, the other man she loved. Ray knew that Neela needed him and that to her he was a good friend…they had even kissed once…but apparently she thought of him as a friend and a friend only…damn whoever that other guy was.

Seeing that she was still clutching the couch as if her life depended on it he stood up and grabbed her around the waist. Natural instinct took over and she placed her arms around his neck and he managed to lift her over the couch so that she was sitting on it. He sat across from her on the coffee table and grabbed her face, forcing her to look him in the eyes.

"Listen to me, I've watched you slowly fall apart and I'll admit that I thought you being stupid because I couldn't understand why you of all people would let that happen…but now I know…and I wish that you had let me in on it a little earlier. I'm glad you have now…" She attempted to look away from him but what he had to say next he knew was important and he had to make sure she understood it completely. "It wasn't your fault Neela, whatever he said it wasn't your fault."

She reached up and brushed away his hands, at the same time trying to wipe the tears away that were now falling heavily. Her shoulders shook, "I had to tell him, didn't I? But I didn't think he'd quite react that way…I didn't think he'd go off and get himself killed."

Here it was, she was finally voicing her feelings that she had let her away like a disease. Ray only hoped that he would be able to cure it once and for all. "It was the right thing to do. I know that I would want to know the truth…I wouldn't want to think that I was in love with someone who loved me back only to find it wasn't true."

"But it killed him…" her voice broke and she rocked back and forth. He pulled her hands away from her face.

"No it didn't, you have to trust me on that one. Michael may have written those things but I'm sure that he understood. Trust me Neela, it wasn't your fault."

Neela wanted to trust him, she wanted to trust him more than anything…but how could he be so certain. How could he know that Michael had really understood…especially after that letter he had just read. Michael had made it clear that she had killed his desire to live. Right?

Ray gripped her hand harder bringing her back to reality; his eyes were piercing straight through her. "Neela, you've got to let me help you now, you've got to listen to me." Nodding she tried to focus on him as he went on, "Yes Michael basically said that he didn't want to live because you broke his heart but here's the thing…if he had truly loved you as much as he said…he would have understood…he probably wrote that when he was still mad at you, it's only natural…but it was his own decision Neela, you didn't force him to do anything…it wasn't your fault."

At long last she nodded, "It wasn't my fault…" she murmered.

"No, it wasn't," Ray agreed. He reached out and wiped her tears away, the past few months he would have done anything to steal her pain away…but she had resisted…finally though…finally she had let him in. "You okay now?"

She nodded slowly, "I think so…I think I'm finally okay."

"Come here," he pulled her into a hug and held her for a long time. Stroking her hair, comforting her, letting her know that he was there for her, had always been there for her, and would always be there for her.

After a few minutes has passed Neela forced herself to pull back, there was one thing left she needed to do. "What should I do with these?" She picked up the letters where they lay abandoned on the table. "I can't keep them…I simply can't. They…Michael…" she stopped before she started crying again. She had mourned enough.

"You could bury them," he ventured.

That wouldn't do…they would still be there somewhere…albeit underground, but still… "I think…I think I'll burn them…" It would be a proper send off.

"All right then, are you sure?"

She was sure all right. In fact…she ran to her room and pulled all the other letters he had written. If she burned them all then it would finally mean that it was over and finished, something she desperately wanted. Grabbing a pen and paper as well she returned to find Ray in the kitchen, letters set next to the sink with his lighter resting on top of them.

"One more thing…" she sat down and he looked at her questionably. "You can read it." She needed him to read it, to witness the end. He came to stand behind her and she began to write.

_Dear Michael,_

_I know that you'll never receive this letter; you'll never be able to receive any letter again…and I know now that it's not my fault. I truly am sorry, I'm sorry that I couldn't love you, I'm sorry that you took it that way, and I'm sorry that you are no longer here. God Michael…a small part of me still expects you to come back…a small part of me still expects to find a letter waiting for me with your handwriting…but I know it won't happen. I know that it's over. So Michael, I suppose that this really is good bye. Know that I still cared about you…know that you saved countless lives…know that you died a good man…and most importantly…know that you will be missed._

_Neela_

It was a bit strange she knew, writing a letter to someone who was no longer living…but it had to be done…she knew it was the right thing. Putting the letter with the others letters she handed them to Ray. Silently he held them over the sink; she flicked the lighter and watched as the flames licked the paper hungrily until they engulfed them. Soon only ashes remained, turning on the water she watched as the mess swirled down the drain…it was over…at long last it was over. Her life could be whole again.

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So what did you think? I could end it here I suppose but I won't…because sadly everything's not over for Neela…and her and Ray haven't gotten together yet, can't have that now can we?

I know that Michael probably would have understood but for the purposes of my story he had to write that, I tried to make it as probable as I could though…hope it worked.

Please Review!


	6. Double Cheeseburger

No school tomorrow so I stayed up late to finish this chapter.

Warning: This chapter does go into something that was hinted at in earlier chapters, which is that Neela has an eating disorder. Deals with bulimia, so if that makes you uncomfortable please don't read this chapter and I'll completely understand...although it doesn't go to into detail.

Disclaimer: Don't own it…ER that is.

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It had been two days since she had moved back into the apartment and she was bored. She was bored due to the fact that after her collapse Lewis had declared that she wasn't allowed back to work for at least a week. At least it would give Pratt some time to cool off; apparently he had been worried but also extremely pissed off. Not that she blamed him, she would probably be pretty mad too if someone had passed out right when they were about to begin surgery.

At least not working did have a few ups, it turned out that getting your life back after destroying it was quite exhausting. But she was willing to work at it, waking up no longer seemed like a chore; in fact she rather liked it. Waking up meant that she was able to see Ray. Although he had been acting a bit odd lately…when he came home the first thing he did was check up on her and spend time with her…but he always had this look on his face. She couldn't figure it out. It was like he had a strong urge to ask her something but an even stronger urge not too. Strange…very strange.

Looking at the clock it turned out that Ray would be coming back in a few minutes. Pacing around she jumped when she heard the door open, even though she had been expecting it, it still caught her by surprise.

"Hey," he said hurriedly and rushed past her. "Go change."

Grinding her teeth she turned to glare at him, "Lovely greeting Ray, care to tell me why you're ordering me around?"

"I've got a gig in about twenty minutes and you're coming with me," he didn't pause as he rushed to his room.

"No I'm not!" she called after him.

"Yes you are," He reemerged a few seconds later, his appearance altered slightly. Ripped jeans, black shirt, the works. It amazed her how he could get ready so fast. It also amazed her how incredibly hot her roommate looked.

"No, I'm really not," she stood up straighter and cocked an eyebrow.

"Sorry babe, but you're with me tonight. You've been holing up here for long enough and besides, someone needs to baby sit you," he winked at her.

"I beg your pardon? Cooped up is more like it, and for your information you're the one in dire need of a baby sitter…besides, I rather like sitting up here all day."

"Which is why you're getting out, I don't like you being by yourself all the time," his voice had turned serious and she frowned.

"I'm not by myself all the time, just while you're at work."

"Uh huh…doesn't matter though, you're coming."

"Am not."

"Are too, now please go change," he crossed his arms and fixed her with his stare.

"Since you asked so nicely," she gave him one more scowl before doing as he said. The nerve of him…coming in and demanding that she go with him. Oh well…she did have to admit that it would be better than sitting around the apartment.

Stripping off her sweat pants and camisole top she pulled on a pair jeans and a black halter top, throwing her hair haphazardly in a messy bun. It was good enough for her, she wasn't looking to impress anyone…she hadn't been a fashion freak before and that certainly hadn't changed any. Grabbing her make up she threw on some mascara and eyeliner, a bit surprised by large her eyes looked and how gaunt she was. Maybe Ray was right, maybe she did look like she needed food…although she really didn't look that bad.

Emerging slowly from her room, she took her time making her way to the door, laughing inwardly at Ray's annoyance. It was his fault for telling her to go in the first place. "Care to speed it up a bit?" he sounded irritated and she smiled innocently, "No thank you."

Rolling his eyes he let her out the door first, locking it behind them, "and you accuse me of being childish."

The rest of the band was already setting up when they got to the club, Ray gave Neela a one armed hug and leaned into her, "Try to have some fun, all right?"

"Mmm…what is this fun you speak of?"

"Cute Neela, cute. Just promise you won't sulk in a corner somewhere, all right?"

"I'm glad you have such confidence in me…"

"Just promise," he wrapped his arm tighter around her neck and she grimaced.

"I will if you promise to kindly remove your arm from me," she quipped and he let go of her. "All right, I promise that I will not find a corner to sulk in…happy?"

"Yes, I am," he gave her one last exasperated look and then joined his buddies on the stage.

True to her word, Neela didn't find some obscure seat but instead made her way toward the stage. Sidestepping people she felt rather uncomfortable, there was no one around her that she knew, but that wouldn't matter in a moment. Not when she heard the song that they were playing. The first rift was seemed so familiar…then Ray started to sing…and Neela felt herself being drawn even closer.

It was a song he had sung to her a few nights before she had moved out. She hadn't been able to sleep, tossing and turning until finally she gave up on it. Apparently she had made enough noise to wake up Ray because he had staggered sleepily into her room. When she had refused to talk to him he had simply shrugged and left, the next thing she knew he was leaning against her door playing his guitar and singing softly…he had managed to lull her to sleep that night…and it was the only time during that period that she had been content.

All around her people were moving to the music but she remained still, eyes fixed on her roommate. He caught her gaze and held it, continuing his song; she knew then that he sang it for her. It made her wonder if he knew, knew how she felt about him. Suddenly it hit her, the reason that he looked like he always wanted to ask her something. Why hadn't she thought of it before? Oh God, turning around she bolted for the bar, needing to sit down and think things through.

The letter…in her letter she had told Michael that she loved someone else. Ray had read it. She loved Ray. But she had never told Ray. And Ray didn't know. Meaning that Ray was probably wondering who it was that she was in love with. Did he know? Or did he think that it was some other guy that he didn't know about…and she had thought everything was back to normal. Wasn't this just great…

Her musings were interrupted by a familiar voice, "Hey there Doc."

"Oh, hi Bret," she muttered, still preoccupied. The band it seemed was taking a break, she hadn't even realized she had been sitting that long…Ray would no doubt have something to say about her going into hiding.

"What…that's all I get?" Bret sat down beside her, "So, how've you been?" He was looking at her carefully, his words cautious.

"I'm erm…fine now, thanks." Obviously Ray had told him about her moving out and probably about her being a complete mess for the past months. Bret had spoken with her briefly after Michael's funeral and had been very sympathetic. It was clear that he had finally completely understood her band-aid comment…

"That's good to hear, I was worried about you…haven't seen you in a while," he was avoiding looking directly at her but she could hear genuine concern in his voice.

"Well, it's all over now," she smiled at him and he grinned back.

"That's good to hear…"

They were silent for a moment and both took the time to spot Ray making his way over to them. It appeared that his coming was slowed by the fact that several blondes had seemed to have attached themselves to his arm. Neela felt her cheeks color slightly, and she turned back to Bret.

"So, how have things been with you?"

He shrugged, "Pretty good, nothing to complain about…hey…you look a little different, did you lose some weight?" Reaching over he pinched her side lightly and she swatted his hand away.

"Some, but that can be taken either as a complement or an insult to how I used to look."

Grinning, he shrugged, "You look good, that's all."

"No, she looks like she needs a giant double cheeseburger," having shaken off the multiple girls, Ray had appeared next to them.

Bret raised an eyebrow, "Or that."

Rolling her eyes Neela faced him, "Yes Ray, you've already told me that before…but look at them," she motioned to the girls who had previously been clinging to him. "They're much thinner than I could ever be."

Ray looked at her in surprise and disbelief, "Neela, you're a stick compared to them, seriously."

In truth Neela still felt inferior compared to the girls they were talking about. She had always felt inferior, not that it had ever bothered her. She had been happy with the way she was, but now…she remembered the way the jeans she was wearing were once skin tight…tonight they looked much too large on her. Hmm…it was actually an improvement when she thought about it.

Turning to his friend Ray nudged him, "Tell her she needs to eat more." Obediently Bret repeated this to her.

This was beginning to get a bit old, she was glad that Ray cared about her but really, he was acting just a tad over protective. "God Ray, can you just leave me alone? I'm perfectly fine!"

"That's what you said before."

She had to admit that he did have a point there… "All right, but honestly Ray, I'm fine now and you know it."

"Really, then why are you still not eating," he said pointedly.

Bret had been silently watching the exchange but he finally stepped in, "Hey you guys, umm…maybe this isn't the place to talk about this stuff…you know?"

"Exactly, especially since there's nothing wrong," standing Neela headed for the door. "I'll see you back at the apartment. Nice talking to you again Bret."

Standing in front of the mirror, Neela turned to the side and then to the front. She didn't see anything wrong with her; in fact she looked a lot better than she ever had. Maybe she didn't have anything to feel inferior about anymore. Besides, she was a doctor, she would know if there was something wrong with her. It was NOT an eating disorder, she just hadn't been hungry that was all.

Ray opened the door to the apartment, depositing his stuff on the couch he stumbled tiredly into the kitchen. Surprised he had to do a double take, an empty plate sat on the table…it seemed Neela had finally gotten hungry enough to eat. His surprise escalated a few seconds later when he found the bathroom door cracked and the shower running. Neela would never leave the door open while taking a shower, never. Not even if she knew for certain he wasn't home.

"Neela?" he called out, not receiving an answer he weighed his options. Open the door and hope she wasn't in the shower or else she'd most likely kill him…or open the door and hope she was in the shower rather than doing what he prayed she wasn't. Without any more hesitation he pushed the door open and promptly swore.

Hearing his abrupt entrance Neela straightened wiping her mouth, preparing herself for the onslaught she knew was about to come. She had never seen Ray so angry before, his eyes seemed to grow darker and he straightened, barring the doorway completely.

"What the hell were you just doing? Hmm? Care to explain, because frankly it looks pretty self explanatory to me."

She wouldn't let him do this, she wouldn't, "Get out Ray, you have no right—"

"You lied to me Neela, you told me you were fine. I didn't believe you but I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt," he had to raise his voice of the pattering of the shower and he left his post to shut it off irritably. "Why turn the shower on if I wasn't home, huh? Why turn it on if you weren't doing anything wrong?"

Why had she turned it on? Oh yeah. Because she had been afraid that something like this would happen. Too bad she hadn't made sure the door was shut completely. Had she not thrown up the entire contents of her stomach moments before, she was pretty sure she would have done so now. She felt ashamed, not only at herself for doing what she did but also because she was defending it…and she wanted to defend it…

Suddenly Ray grabbed her wrist, wrapping his thumb and forefinger around it, "Look at this! How long have you been doing this? How long!" His voice had risen despite the fact that everything was now silent.

"I haven't _been_ doing this! Just now! But it's none of your damn business anyways," yanking her hand away she pushed passed him but he followed her out.

"It is my business, you're my friend Neela not only that but I'm a doctor. I can't sit around and watch someone slowly kill themselves, especially not someone I care about," his eyes locked on to hers but she didn't back down.

"I am not slowly killing myself, and I'm a doctor too so I know that there isn't anything wrong. I just haven't eaten so much in a while and I felt a bit ill, that's all," her voice had become calm and she held his gaze.

"No that's not all," frustrated Ray ran a hand through his hair, "God Neela, you know what this is called."

Narrowing her eyes she crossed her arms, "Do enlighten me."

"Try bulimia," he spat.

"I'd say that's a misdiagnosis."

"And I'd say you're in denial."

They glared at each other. "I am not in denial," she hissed, "Bulimia nervosa is classified by binging and then purging because the person believes they have a weight problem. I don't believe I have a weight problem."

"But you don't mind looking like you do now, do you," he said it as a statement…a statement she knew to be true. "Just admit you have an eating disorder Neela, you need help."

"I don't have one, so quit pestering me about it, my God Ray, you're so bloody annoying," she strode off to her room and slammed the door but he followed soon after. Shutting the door behind him he locked it and she froze. "Ray, unlock my door," she sounded nervous, having no idea what Ray was up to.

"No, do you know why? Because we're going to get through this, I'm not letting you ignore me this time. You're going to listen to what I have to say, understand?"

Knowing that there was no way around it she finally gave in, "Fine." Allowing herself to fall back on her bed she stared at the ceiling, "Well, get on with it." Suddenly Ray was lying next to her, propped up on his elbow so he was facing her.

"Just tell me the truth Neela, what's going on with you…I want to know," his voice was so soft that she could feel her resolve falling to pieces.

"Nothing…I mean, you know that I haven't been eating because of the letters…it was like I wasn't hungry anymore…and then tonight when we went out and what you said to me at the bar, and what you've been telling me…I decided maybe you were right. So I ate and then I felt so…heavy…and insecure…and then you came in…" she closed her eyes so she wouldn't have to face him.

"I think you need to see someone," he said at last. It was something that he had been thinking about for a long while, luckily he had managed to help her before but this was something completely different.

Neela's eyes snapped open and she sat up, "What d'you mean?"

Sighing he sat up too, "I think it'll do you some good if you see someone about it."

"I'm a doctor Ray!" she was completely mortified by his suggestion not only that but it scared her. "You're a doctor, you can fix it," her eyes were large and she sounded exactly like an innocent child. "Come on Ray, you can help me. We're both doctors, I know it can be fixed. I don't need to see anyone about it."

It was tearing him up, all of this was tearing him up, what she was doing to herself to what he was telling her…but he wouldn't leave…he couldn't…because he loved her. "I'm a doctor in the emergency room Neela," he said slowly, "I can't help you with this…you need to see a nutritionist or psychologist…"

Anger slowly worked its way into her, why the hell wasn't he helping? Why wasn't he going to help her? "Ray…" No…she couldn't lash out…not this time…right now she needed him, she didn't need to drive him away. She was never very good at controlling her temper, especially with Ray, but right now she needed too. "Ray, please. Just try…and if it doesn't work…then I'll go…but try first Ray…"

He groaned inwardly, she knew exactly how to get to him. Her pleading with him and the look on her face…God, he couldn't say no to her. Even though he didn't specialize in this kind of thing he was pretty sure he could help her through it. Neela, if she was willing, was definitely smart enough to know how to deal with this if he helped her along. "All right…but if you don't improve within a few weeks, I'm going to make you see someone and no amount of pouting is going to change that."

"Deal."

"Good."

More than a little surprised when she suddenly reached out for a hug he was none the less happy. Neela surprised herself too…but she had changed…what had happened to Michael had changed her…the time she had spent in that hospital bed had changed her…Ray was proving to be much more than she had ever thought and she knew now that without him she would probably slowly have killed herself.

"Thank you…" She couldn't say it enough, the other word she wanted to say was sorry…sorry for being such a burden to him. First her months of not functioning properly and now this, right when she had thought her problems were over, so much for being completely back to normal. She was a bloody doctor for God's sake, yet she had let herself deny the fact that not eating was problem…and that throwing it up afterwards was a definite problem.

Gently Ray leaned backwards until he was lying down and she was resting on top of him. Pushing away the thoughts of the other man in her letter, now was not the time to think about that. He breathed her in, loving the way she seemed to fit so perfectly against him. "You're welcome," he said finally.

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I'm not to happy with the last few paragraphs but it'll have to do as I can barely keep my eyes open. I hope you guys liked it even if it was kind of…eh…depressing? Can't think of the right word…need sleep…

Please review!

And thank you to everyone who has reviewed my previous chapters, you guys make me happy :-)


	7. Sorry

Wow, this is amazing…seriously…I've never updated one fic so continuously, this makes me happy.

No school again today because of the tropical storm/hurricane, basically lots of wind and rain and the occasional power flicker.

Disclaimer: Do not own ER or the characters or anything…

* * *

"Hey, you look better," Abby observed as Neela walked in, picking up a chart.

"Thanks," Neela answered, unsure of what else to say on the subject. Her time off was up and returning to the ER was more awkward than she had imagined, in fact she hadn't even considered that things might be different. Everyone seemed to be wary of her as if any moment she was going to suddenly have a nervous breakdown. Thankfully Abby didn't seem to share these feelings.

"Well, have to go take care of this patient," gesturing to the clipboard in her hand, Abby began walking away but called over her shoulder, "We're going out to eat after our shift's are over…I want to know what you've done to Ray," grinning she left, leaving Neela to puzzle over what she had said.

Stitching up her last patient she was a bit reluctant to find that her shift was over. Part of it was because she had actually missed working but she had to admit that she didn't want to talk to Abby. Hoping that maybe Abby had forgotten she quickly grabbed her stuff and headed for the door, she made it halfway out before she heard her friend's aggravated voice.

"Neela, if you don't wait for me…" breathing harder than normal Abby reached her side, "You can't get out of it that easy."

They decided to stop for coffee rather than food, caffeine was something they both desperately needed at the moment. Seating themselves in a booth Abby decided to start the conversation as Neela currently looked like she was a devising a plot for escape. "How are you?"

"Fine," Neela wondered how much Ray had told her of exactly what had gone on. "I took care of some…loose ends…concerning Michael…"

Abby nodded sympathetically but didn't go into it, knowing that in time Neela would probably tell her, but now wasn't it. "And you're feeling okay now?"

"Yeah, thanks to Ray," once more she didn't elaborate. True to his word, Ray had helped her with getting back to a normal eating habit. Things still weren't precisely the same, she still couldn't manage to eat as much as she should…and she still hated the thought of gaining the weight back…but she knew that it would all improve.

"Speaking of Ray, what exactly is going on with you guys?"

"What do you mean?" She asked, fearing that maybe Abby had learned that she was secretly in love with her roommate.

Rolling her eyes Abby spoke in a high pitched voice, obviously a bad imitation of Ray, "'Has Neela mentioned anyone to you? Do you know if Neela's been seeing someone? Why do you think Neela wanted to move back in with me?' It's beginning to get on my nerves."

This was certainly news to her; she hadn't actually thought that Ray would be that concerned with it. "Erm…really?"

"Yes really, so what's the deal?" Abby pried, leaning forward slightly.

"Nothing, I mean...I don't know," desperate to look anywhere but at Abby lest she give away her true feelings she started to idly stir her coffee, staring at it as if it was the most fascinating thing in the world.

"For some reason I don't buy it. The guy's obviously obsessed with you, and for some reason he's under the impression you're in love with someone else…are you?"

"In love with someone else?"

Abby nodded, she knew that extracting information from Neela could be difficult, but this was bordering on ridiculous. Weighing her options Neela finally answered, "No," then continued to perfect her coffee stirring abilities.

"Are you in love with Ray?" Saying it quickly Abby hoped to trick Neela into a fast response, no such luck.

"Are you serious?"

"Yes and I want a serious answer," Abby waited patiently as Neela seemed to try to find ways to avoid telling the truth. "Never mind, I know that's a definite yes."

"Is not!" Protesting Neela spluttered, "That's completely and utterly wrong, why would I be in love with Ray? He's my roommate for God's sake!"

Slowly a smile formed on Abby's face, a very sly smile, "Uh huh, thought so. You're in love with the guy. I knew it was bound to happen."

Confused Neela looked taken aback, "What do you mean?"

"Oh, I don't know…but what's his deal with the 'other man'"

Giving up on lying she still had no idea how to go about explaining it. Then she would have to explain about Michael. "He uh…he read something and I was referring to him but he didn't know that…" there, that was sufficient.

"Ah, that explains it…so you do love Ray?" she sounded eager.

"Yes Abby, I do, happy now?" Not able to meet her friend's eye she couldn't help but glance up and laugh at the uncharacteristic grin spreading itself across the older doctor's features.

"Thought so…and Kovac happened to mention something about it…" innocently Abby stared at the ceiling, trying not to laugh at Neela's appalled look.

"WHAT!"

"Not so loud Neela, he was just under that impression from the way you two were acting when you were in the hospital."

Giving a frustrated sigh, Neela threw up her hands, "You guys are all out to get me."

"Possibly," Abby glanced down at her watch, "Oops, sorry to cut this short but I have to run," taking out her wallet Abby laid her money on the table. "Here's some advice, tell Ray before he goes ballistic on your imaginary 'lover'"

Easier said than done, Neela thought about Abby's advice as she opened the door to the apartment. Ray was no where in sight and she headed for her room but forced herself to turn until she was in front of Ray's door. The sooner she got it over the easier, right? No, definitely not, she started for her room again but stopped herself, how long would this go on? She had to do it, placing her hand on his door knob she was about to open it when she suddenly decided against it. This could most definitely wait.

Turning for the sanctuary of her own room she stepped into a very warm object. A very warm object with an amused expression it's face. An object that turned out to be a highly amused Ray, "Couldn't make up your mind?"

"Erm, excuse me," she tried to make her way around him but he put his arm out, frowning slightly.

"Where were you?"

"I was out…" Uh oh, he didn't look to happy.

"I noticed, out with some guy?" he tried to sound neutral but she caught the underlying anger. No. Way. He was actually jealous.

"First off, I don't need to tell you anything seeing as how I'm an adult and I don't need you to act like some protective older brother. Secondly…secondly…" trailing off she tried to think of something bitingly sarcastic but fell short. Maybe now was the time to just tell him.

He removed his arm, "All right then," he stalked away heading for the door, "See you."

"Ray, where are you going?" she followed him, concerned by his sudden change in mood.

"I don't have to tell you that, do I," grabbing his keys he reached for his jacket but she caught the other sleeve. "Let go," he tugged on it but she placed a hand on her hip.

Honestly, she knew that maybe she was a bit out of line saying something like that when it was clear he was only concerned about her…and jealous, but still…he didn't have to be so touchy, normally he was wasn't nearly so serious. "Ray Barnett, if you leave I swear that when you come back that guitar will be out the window," it was an empty threat but it did its job.

"If you touch that guitar, I'll…I'll…"

"Ray, will you just listen to me," she grabbed his jacket from him and balled it up in her hands.

He seemed to think about it then finally nodded. "Go for it."

Taking a deep breath she tried to get her thoughts together…unfortunately it didn't work and she ended up blurting out, "it was you.'

"What was me?" he asked apprehensively, trying to think if he'd done anything wrong the past few days…nothing came to mind except for accidentally breaking the remote when he had thrown it to Bret in a mock football pass while she had been out…but that couldn't be it.

"In the letter…when I told Michael I…I loved someone else…" she prayed that she wasn't making a mistake and had misread Ray somehow...the look he had wasn't helping any.

"What?" he stood with an idiotic expression on his face. "Wait…what?"

He could be absolutely thick at times… "I…I love you Ray…" she managed to stammer; instead of looking away she forced herself to look directly at him. "That's why…that's why I wrote to Michael…I couldn't live in the same apartment with you anymore without feeling unfaithful to one of you…it didn't matter if you liked me or not…but…I knew that I loved you and it wasn't right…it wasn't fair to Michael."

Ray stared at the girl in front of him without saying anything, he took in her dark eyes which were full of determination and yet at the same time fear. He took in her long hair which framed her delicate face. He took in her dark skin and the way it contrasted with his own as he reached out to her. And he couldn't believe it. He couldn't believe the words she was telling him…he couldn't believe that what he had always hoped for but had thought would never happen was happening. He wasn't sure he could let himself believe, he pulled away before he connected with her and shook his head.

Neela felt the blood drain from her face, she had been wrong…everyone had been wrong. How could she have been so convinced that he returned her feelings? Had his jealously come from protectiveness of a friend? Close roommates? Was that it? Blood pounded in her ears, she had never felt so…embarrassed…and wrong…and betrayed…had she written that letter unnecessarily?

Seeing her sudden distress Ray reached out for her again but she pulled away, a stricken look on her face. "Neela," he began gently.

"S-sorry," she started backing away but he grabbed her shoulders.

"Don't be…it's just …I never thought…" he realized he couldn't get anything coherent out and instead of answering her with words, he answered her with a kiss.

They broke apart and Neela looked up at him shyly, then rested her head against his chest. Her fears it seemed, were unfounded. He wrapped his arms around her and held her, but this time it was different…this time there wasn't the reserve he normally used when he hugged her, the reserve he used because he didn't want to jeopardize their friendship. "I love you…" he whispered. It was something that he had said to other girls before…but something that had never actually seemed to matter, something he had used without thought. Now it was different. It was something that he had longed to tell her but never thought he would. He knew too that she wasn't using it lightly, that those were words that she would never tell a man unless she absolutely meant it…and that's what made it all the more special.

"Still going somewhere Ray?" she asked at last.

He buried his face in her hair, "Nope."

"Whoa."

"What?" Sam and Pratt both asked simultaneously, Sam turning to look at Abby while Pratt kept his eyes on a chart he was holding.

"No way," the surprise in Sam's voice caused Pratt to finally look up…just in time to witness Neela and Ray hurriedly drop hands.

Both pretended not to know what everyone was staring at. "Anything interesting?" Ray asked.

"Barnett you're with me," he glanced at Neela, "Take this," he handed her the chart he was holding and then he turned to the others, "I know all of you have something you need to be doing."

"So?" Pratt asked while simultaneously hooking up an IV.

"Patient's stable," Ray replied needlessly.

"That wasn't what I meant."

"What did you mean?" Ray asked, feigning innocence.

"You and Neela?"

"No idea what you're talking about."

"And?"

"And what?"

"I take it you took my advice?" Abby prodded.

"Advice on what?" Neela asked tilting her head slightly.

"You know," she motioned as if trying to signal something.

"Don't think I do..."

The day at the ER had been interesting to say the least; it appeared that news traveled rather quickly. Glad to be out Ray pulled his guitar strap over his shoulder, stopping when he noticed Bret staring at him.

"What?" he asked.

"You and Doctor Rasgotra?" Bret asked at last, a grin forming on his face.

"Yeah."

"Lucky bastard, what do you have that I don't?"

"An IQ?" Ray flinched before Bret's fist connected with his arm.

"Seriously though, you got lucky."

"I know I did..."

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I think I'm actually satisfied with that chapter…yay! What did you guys think of it? Let me know, press the little button I say! Which button you may ask? The review button…dun dun dunnn…

Ahem, anyways, this is the second to last chapter…maybe…I dunno…depends on exactly how next chapter goes but as of now this is the second to last chapter :-)


	8. Changes

Sorry it took so long, you guys have probably forgotten about it by now but here it is…the last chapter…dun dun dunnn…

Disclaimer: Don't own ER or the characters, nope not me!

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Now that I think back I realize how much I've changed…and how much of the credit goes to one person…Ray Barnett. I let my life fall apart and I was too much of a coward to face it, to face the truth and to deal with it. I ran…and I hid…but Ray found me and brought me back. He could have left me…given up on me the way I wanted him too…but I'm glad now that he didn't.

I thought that it was my fault, all of it my fault…Michael's was death my fault…but it wasn't. Ray showed me that. I'm free now from that guilt, it's been reduced to ashes and washed away. I'll never forget Michael…even if I didn't love him in that way I cared about him; I don't want it to seem that I threw him away for Ray.

Ray…it took me forever to admit that I loved him…to open my feelings to him…I was ready too until Michael's letter…but that time I spent in the hospital scared me…made me realize just how much I needed him. He made his feelings clearer than mine in the way that he tried so hard to fit my life back together and stuck with me through everything.

I also came to find that my eating habits were as Ray would put it "a death wish," and with his help I fixed them. I have to admit that I found I actually missed eating; food tastes good again…especially when Ray and I cook together…well…more like I cook and he burns things. Although sometimes I look in a mirror and find myself wishing I were back to being as thin as I was when I was "sick," but I won't go back to that ever again. I like myself too much the way I am now.

Everything is back to normal in a way…we still live in the apartment, Ray still plays with his band although I now manage to suffer through all his gigs …and when I go to his shows I even make an attempt with my clothes, though I still refuse to wear the skanky shirt Abby made me buy…I'm sorry to say but skanky is the only word to describe it as it closely resembles a rather sparkly piece of miniscule black cloth held up with dental floss. In other words there's no way I'd ever put it on…although if Ray got down on his knees and begged, which I believe he's close to doing, I may consider it.

Things are different too…the whole ER now has confirmed that we're officially together…and they all seem to find it amusing…just because Abby, Kovac, and Pratt walked in just as Ray slapped my ass gives them no right to laugh…no right at all…immature the lot of them.

Ray stayed to pick up the pieces and I'm glad of it. I can face the future now, because I know that Ray will be there with me.

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I finished it…finished…wow…that's a first. Yay! Anyways, once I finish all my senior project stuff I'll start writing some more. Please review and let me know what you thought of it :-)

A huge THANK YOU to all who reviewed...seriously...you guys made me so incredibly happy :D


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